I was checking Jack Chick’s website the other day for his utterly ridiculous comic about how Catholics invented Islam, and I noticed there were two new featured tracts! Well, I hesitate to say they’re actually “new,” as a lot of these tracts that bear recent copyright dates are just updated versions of really old ones. But anyway, take up your cross and follow me into some more Chickian stupidity!
Things to Come? – As our tract opens, we see a stereotypical fortune teller make an incredibly inaccurate prediction. When her customer accuses her of being a fake, she doesn’t file a lawsuit for slander, but instead returns the money. Somehow I can’t imagine Sylvia Browne doing that. We learn that the fortune teller and her friend (or relative, or whatever; it’s not really clear) are Catholics, because EVERYONE Chick doesn’t like gets identified with the Catholics, and I’m barely exaggerating here. Hey, I have some of my own complaints about the Catholic Church, but I haven’t heard of their being particularly supportive of fortune tellers. Delores and Maria’s emaciated zombie priest seems cool with it, though. Our fortune teller goes to talk to a REAL Christian, because Catholics apparently don’t know what the Bible is. Actually, I’m not sure this Rogers guy does either, as I think most of what he says is straight out of Hal Lindsey with a bit of a Chick twist. After the Rapture, the Catholic Church somehow takes control of the world, and proceeds to ally itself with Russians and Muslims. Okay, is ANY of this making sense to anybody? Didn’t think so. After this, Jesus gets mad, so he burns buildings and throws rocks at people. Whatever happened to that whole God Is Love deal? The God Without a Face judges everyone in Hell, replaying their entire lives to them (better hope you’re one of the ones in the front, as this sounds like it’ll be a LONG wait), and offering “no pardons.” So wait, if He knows He’s going to find them all guilty, why bother with this kangaroo court? More evidence that God just likes messing with people, I suppose. After this story, Mr. Rogers (not the one from PBS; he was a minister, but not of the hellfire variety) suddenly gets raptured, leaving his clothes behind, because apparently Heaven is one big nudist colony. I wouldn’t say that’s my idea of Heaven, but there seem to be a LOT of male fundamentalists who would leap at the chance to see a lot of other men’s private regions. Personally, I think Delores should look through that pile of clothes to see if Mr. Rogers’ mustache is in there.
The Poor Revolutionist – Come on, Jackie-Boy! If you’re going to write all of your characters as stereotypes, can’t you at least keep them straight? This one features a group of militant peacenik communist hippie atheist Nazi revolutionaries who try to form one world government. Got all that? Oh, by the way, when we see their leader, he turns out to be drawn as a stereotypical Jew with a Catholic priest’s collar. So this ragtag bunch of contradictory stereotypes somehow manages to actually achieve a victory, with only a token resistance from the military. I told you our armed forces were being spread too thin! Oh, but once he gains control, Father Rabbi Generalissimo Nerd-Glasses rounds up his own supporters and sentences them to death. Oh, the irony! Who would have ever seen that coming? And after they’re shot, God throws them into Hell, presumably just to add insult to injury. What exactly was your point with this one, Jack? And how does this future fit with the one from the last tract? That time, it was the Pope who took over the world, not some gang of teenagers. Look, I’ve come to expect these to be bad, but can’t they at least be consistent with each other?