Turtle Bay

I’ve seen a lot of consternation going around about how an upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, with Michael Bay as producer, would make the Turtles part of an alien race instead of…well, mutants. Okay, it’s possible to be both an alien and a mutant, but it still falls pretty far from the source material. It sounds stupid, but I’m not sure it really matters that much. It’s not like TMNT canon has ever really been cemented anyway; the comic, cartoon, and movie continuities were all different. And movies have always made dumb changes to their source material. Hey, I’ve railed quite often about how idiotic it was for MGM to make The Wizard of Oz into a dream, but it’s still one of my favorite movies. Mind you, if Michael Bay had been involved, the Wicked Witch of the West would presumably have exploded instead of melting. Actually, there was an Oz villain who exploded, but I guess that’s not strictly relevant to this post.

I was wondering if I’d ever actually seen anything with Bay at the helm, and it turns out I have. I saw Armageddon, which he both produced and directed, on a bus. I can’t say I remember a whole lot about it, although I believe there was a scene of Liv Tyler making out with some guy with Aerosmith playing in the background. Pretty disgusting, huh? Also, he was the producer for the god-awful remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street. Not exactly a résumé or a reputation that fills me with confidence. The thing is, though, he makes a crapload of money, so of course Hollywood is going to keep giving him work. If you don’t like Bay ruining every single franchise from the seventies through nineties, don’t pay money to see them. If this trend is going to continue, though, I think Bay needs to turn to a franchise that was primarily marketed to girls. We can have Rainbow Brite, an alien chick played by Megan Fox, blowing up Murky and Lurky with a colorful tactical missile strike.

And speaking of TMNT, you might have seen my tweet a few days ago wondering why Donatello is the inventor when it’s Leonardo who was the inventor in real life.

You’d think that would be a pretty obvious reference they’d want to make, right? Or did they not do it just to mess with our heads? I would suspect that Donatello is probably the most obscure of the artists after whom the Turtles were named; I don’t know that I had even heard of him back when the cartoon was on. He was a sculptor who was actually active before any of the other three Turtle name sources, having died before Michelangelo and Raphael were born. He was considered Early Renaissance, while the other three were High Renaissance.

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