I’ve come across several references to this poll, to which thirteen percent of respondents said they believed Obama was the Antichrist, and fourteen percent believed in Bigfoot. No word on how many believed Obama was Bigfoot.
Even more disturbingly, thirty-seven percent believe global warming is a hoax. I’m somewhat interested in how these different conspiracy theories correlate to one another. I certainly hope those who believe the moon landing is faked don’t also believe in alien visitation. What, they can travel through space, but we can’t? Really, though, I have to wonder how accurate the responses even are, as I wouldn’t put it past some people to just give the answers they found most amusing. Who really takes telephone polls (not to be confused with telephone poles) seriously, after all? I mean, do you think four percent of American voters really think shape-shifting reptilian aliens are infiltrating our government? I mean, that’s just so damned specific. Not just aliens, but specifically REPTILIAN ones.
Well, I can tell you there aren’t any reptilian aliens. Actually, there ARE, but they certainly haven’t invented space travel yet. All their technology has been concentrated on better ways to catch flies. No, the world is actually controlled by shape-shifting elves, in reptile COSTUMES. So why do they need costumes if they can change shape? Because shut up, that’s why. They’re into cosplay, okay? And no, Obama wasn’t born in Kenya. This bit of misinformation spread because he was part of a project codenamed KENYA, short for Keeping Elves Not in Your Area, intended to fight off the secret elven government. There’s not going to be an Antichrist, because they already tried that, and he and Christ both exploded when they shook hands. As for Roswell, that’s actually a misspelling of “Ra’s Well,” an experiment aimed to extract sunlight from underground. This, by the way, was the main cause of global warming. I’m still not sure how Bigfoot fits into all of this, but I’ve heard a rumor that his name is a misnomer, and he actually just wears oversized shoes.