Probably the only thing Americans can all agree on is that ten candidates in one debate is too many. So, in last night’s debate on CNN, they instead had…eleven. I blame the defunding of public schools. I can’t help finding these things immensely entertaining, despite the fact that having one of these guys in charge of the country terrifies me. Anyway, here’s a brief summary of what the participants said:
DONALD TRUMP: In response to that asinine comment I made a while back, here’s another equally asinine comment in lieu of an apology. When I’m President, there will be more of everything, especially walls, objectification of women, and tea parties with Vladimir Putin. No autistic people, though. We’ll close them up in the wall.
JEB BUSH: Really? I have to debate this guy? My brother never had to put up with this, and he put about as much effort into debates as he did trying to find Bin Laden.
CARLY FIORINA: BOMBS! GUNS! TANKS! WEAPONS! LET’S BLOW SOME SHIT UP, AMERICA!
SCOTT WALKER: Pretty much everyone in my home state hated me, but I didn’t listen to them. Make me President, so I won’t listen to anyone in the country.
MARCO RUBIO: Wait, I’m in this debate? Uh…did I mention my parents were from Cuba?
MIKE HUCKABEE: Kim Davis is a lot like Martin Luther King, because…um…no, wait…”Kim” kind of sounds like “King”? Is that good enough?
TED CRUZ: I’m against Obamacare and the nuclear deal with Iran! I’m not sure yet if I’m for anything.
DR. BEN CARSON: I was a neurosurgeon, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be just as nuts as the rest of you. It doesn’t sound as bad coming out of me, though, because of my incredibly soothing voice.
RAND PAUL: I believe Americans should be free to smoke weed, ride in cars without seatbelts, bring concealed weapons to day care centers, and practice laser surgery without a license. No gay marriage, though. That’s taking freedom way too far.
JOHN KASICH: I actually did a little bit of preparation for this debate, so of course nobody is going to ask me questions. Maybe we shouldn’t totally defund Planned Parenthood? I’m really only here so non-Republicans have someone they don’t hate quite as much.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: I was appointed a federal judge on the day before September 11th. I actually wasn’t, but if nobody is going to fact-check the thing about Planned Parenthood selling baby parts in the supermarket, obviously they’re not going to bother correcting me on this either. But this isn’t about me; it’s about YOU! Unless YOU happen to be black, female, poor, an immigrant, a Democrat, a Muslim, an atheist, or someone who wants to cross a bridge.