Sex and Violence Have Never Been More Boring

Just like how Mystery Science Theatre 3000 made some B-movies easier to watch, some books are better experienced through the filter of somebody making fun of them. I had previously read some of Jenny Trout’s commentaries on the Fifty Shades of Grey series, and now Beth and I are reading these takes on them. Tonight, we watched the movie of the first book, and it was just as bad as I expected. The thing is, it might be a little more palatable simply because we’re spared E.L. James’ terrible prose. Still, it has stilted dialogue, wooden acting, and sets that aren’t particularly distinct from one another. Since the whole thing started out as Twilight fan-fiction, it’s not surprising that the film would be about the same quality. Not that I’ve seen any of the Twilight movies all the way through, but what I have seen featured the same sort of sterile performances. Isn’t Bella supposed to be a drama queen, not someone who displays no emotion ever? Also, it’s probably telling that the screen name under which James originally wrote the story was “Snowqueen’s Icedragon.” The best actor in Fifty Shades was clearly Dakota Johnson’s hair, which changed constantly.

What’s with Jamie Dornan’s hair, by the way? It’s like a better-maintained Lyle Lovett.
What I don’t really get is why all the sex scenes were truncated. Not that I WANTED to see them, as I get the impression they were all incredibly boring. It’s just that I’m not sure who wants to see what’s basically a porno where you hardly see any sex. It just reinforces how this is porn for people who hate porn, I guess.

Nothing sexier than a girl who forgot her Chapstick!
There’s plenty of negotiating a totally non-binding contract, however, and isn’t that even sexier? I’ve heard that James wanted the film to include more dirty stuff, even though as a television executive she’d presumably know that you can do stuff in books you can’t do on screen. There is a fairly lengthy flogging scene toward the end, so does that make the film qualify as torture porn?

Come on, Christian, you couldn’t possibly have used ALL of those torture implements.
Also not included was the Inner Goddess, an annoying personification of Anastasia’s sex drive. I hear Inside Out, which is all about personified emotions, is doing well, so the filmmakers probably missed the boat there. I believe James has said the series is essentially her own fantasy, but has she ever said which role she wants to play? Maybe she doesn’t imagine herself as the absurdly naive and innocent Anastasia, but as the filthy rich and abusive stalker Christian.